I’m thinking love Love, love, love More sweet than bitter.

So I finished Atlas of the Heart, the new book by Brene Brown about the eighty-seven emotions humans experience and how they effect our lives. I related to a lot of the passages, but was especially moved by Bittersweet.

The bittersweet side of appreciating life’s most precious moments is the unbearable awareness that those moments are passing.

Marc Parent, Believing It All

“Bittersweet is a mixed feeling of happiness and sadness,” as Dr. Brown defines it and I think I find it so poignant precisely because of the innate mix. It’s not positive or negative, but a combo, so that also makes it a confusing emotion.

I thought about this while driving down Old Cutler Road and passed by cars, trucks and vans decked out with balloons and painted up to celebrate Gulliver School’s Graduation. I can remember that feeling at my High School Graduation of happiness that I was finally finished, but sadness that I would never see these girls from my All Girl School, under these circumstances, again. “We may never pass this way again,” by Seals and Croft, was a popular song during my Senior Year at Lourdes and that song really summed up the transience of our experience.

I always got teary-eyed when my kids left one grade for another, but the one that really sticks in my mind was Christopher’s graduation from Kindergarten. I had volunteered a lot in his class, so knew the children and his wonderful teacher- Miss Citerella. I felt that bittersweet feeling on his last day, that my youngest child was moving from the protected cocoon of kindergaten to becoming a full-fledged first grader, with tests and assignments.

The kids in the class had each colored a page in a big book they made that illustrated Louis Armstrong’s song It’s a Wonderful World and, when they all sang it to the Kindergarten parents, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. When Courtney, Christopher’s fiance, asked me a couple years ago what song I wanted to dance with Christopher to at their wedding, it only took a minute to realize It’s a Wonderful World was the perfect choice.

EATING OUT THIS WEEK IN MIAMI

We celebrated Emma’s birthday on Tuesday with dinner out at Terre Del Sapore. I met Emma when she was a shy little four year old; she turned 24 Tuesday. I posted a photo of her at my wedding as a flower girl and from her UM Graduation just last week, with the caption: “You’ve come a long way baby!” Of course, she’s not familiar with the Virginia Slims slogan, but the sentiment is still true.

Zeke picked this particular Italian restaurant because he’d passed by it on Giralda many times and because they had Beef Carpaccio, a family favorite. The place was very casual, with metal chairs, wood tables, exposed ductwork and a wood burning pizza oven. The food, including the Beef Carpaccio, was very good and the prices were reasonable; we all liked our Pasta dishes. I got a Porcini Mushroom Ravioli in cream sauce that was delicious, as was the Delicata Salad with figs, burrata, walnuts and arugula, which we shared.

Unfortunately, the service was just awful. There was one young kid, by himself, waiting tables, and he didn’t seem to care much. We even had to ask for the Birthday dessert of Tiramasu (even though Zeke had already told them), so I don’t know if I can recommend this restaurant. Maybe for takeout?

Monday, we ordered what is my new favorite pizza from Miami’s Best– The Italian. It’s a white pizza (no red sauce) with Fresh Mozzarella, Burrata and topped with prosciutto, arugula and cherry tomatoes with a Balsamic drizzle. We got a Medium for $22. Yum!

Thursday I met a friend for lunch at Chana Thai Kitchen, in the TJ Maxx Plaza by the Falls. We both loved our entrees- Red Curry with Tofu ($16) and Chicken with a garlic, pepper sauce (Pad Gra Tiem Prik Tai, also $16) which was a little spicy and delicious. Both came with Jasmine Rice on the side. This is a perfect, healthy option if you’re in that area. They also serve sushi and have lunch specials.

Thursday I took Wyatt to his last tennis lesson of the season at Riviera and then met A.J., Justin and Phoenix for dinner upstairs with Zeke. It was nice to spend some quality family time with them, since Justin has been working a lot and can’t usually get away. I did watch Phoenix Monday so A.J. could attend Wyatt’s Kindergarten Graduation. I’m feeling like, I’ll just blink and my first grandson will be getting his Driver’s License next. It goes by so fast!

I had my Book Club meeting at Guta’s Friday night for Atlas of the Heart. She said she was cooking vegetarian, so I brought some Onion Dip and Wavy Lays potato chips (because vegetarians shouldn’t be punished). Book Club at Guta’s is always a treat, but a bit bittersweet this time, as she has recently put her house on the market and may be moving away. We had so many appetizers- grape leaves, hummus, pita bread, onion dip, veggies and the most delicious bread (Panzanella) Salad with tomatoes and burrata- that we skipped the main course and went straight to dessert. She served Pomegranate Sangria with strawberries to drink and had a flourless chocolate cake and cookies for dessert.

And then to the Keys for Memorial Day weekend.

MY WEEK OF DINING DANGEROUSLY

I watched Desi and Lucy on Amazon Prime. It’s a documentary about their relationship, directed by comedian Amy Poehler. I really enjoyed it, but it was also, in it’s own way, sad. These two people- brilliant and talented- who started an empire (Desilu Studios), created the most beloved sitcom of all time (I Love Lucy) and who loved each other so much- just couldn’t make their marriage work. Ironically, the show about the “happily married” Ricardos didn’t reflect reality and after 20 years of marriage, they divorced. Still, the last person to talk to Desi on his death bed, besides his daughter and nurse, was Lucille Ball. Her message? “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Bittersweet.

I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!

I hear babies cry and I watched them grow They’ll learn much more, than I’ll ever know. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!

Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world!

Sung by Louis Armstrong

Up Next: Cilantro Lime Dressing

It made me think of events that have happened during COVID- happy and sad- and how they’ve changed how we mark these occasions. My neighbor Bernie had a medical emergency on the last day of a family cruise in December 2019. He was medevaced to a hospital, where he lingered for months before finally coming home, and dying at age 90. I felt terrible, of course, but there was no funeral to attend. I read his obituary in the paper and dropped off a card and cookies to his widow Maggie; I couldn’t help but think what an awful time it was to die under these circumstances.

We can’t gather together for comfort, give hugs, or drop off dishes to eat together while sharing stories of loved ones. The coming together to celebrate or mourn, has changed drastically in the time of COVID. It’s not like I enjoy attending funerals (who does?), but I GET them more now. That ritual, that tradition of paying one’s respects to the deceased, seeing them one last time, saying a prayer in front of their casket, causes a finality in our brain that allows us to process the loss as real. Without it, it’s almost like a tree falling in the forest.

By the pool in the Keys yesterday, I was talking to a neighbor about COVID.

“I hate COVID.”

she said.

“Join the club.”

I said.

But we were talking about things we were supposed to do this year that got cancelled- she had her niece’s wedding (postponed, but eventually happened), we had a niece’s wedding in August (postponed till next year). We also had an Alaskan cruise (who knows when that will happen?), two graduations, four birthdays, Zeke’s 40th year class reunion, the list goes on and on.

“Everyone has some story,” said her husband.

Some story of something important that didn’t happen, was cancelled or postponed, due to COVID. Sadly, I don’t think we’ll ever get that back. Sometimes it feels like 2020 is the year that didn’t happen, a mirage we’ve imagined that will sink into the recesses of our unconscious.

It’s not like sitting in a hot, crowded auditorium for hours with a bunch of strangers, waiting for your child’s name to be called and walk across the stage to pick up their diploma, was something I was looking forward to, but it does mark an occasion. It’s a ritual that designates the importance of four years of hard work and study, signified by moving the tassel to the other side of the mortar board. And then, throwing the caps up into the air in celebration. Having a family dinner at home, even while forcing said graduate to dress up in a black graduation cap and gown, is simply NOT the same. I miss the Pomp and Circumstance, I even miss the song. Who knew?

It’s a perfect example of how you never know the things you’ll miss until they’re gone. Now, a lot of things we took for granted are gone. Retail stores we loved, restaurants we ate at, businesses we frequented, even the Saturday edition of the Miami Herald are finis.

When I flew for Air Florida, we’d been living with rumors of Bankruptcy and Going out of Business for a long time, it eventually just became like the white noise that buzzed in the background on my flights. It had gotten so bad, a friend and fellow flight attendant of mine, Lori, had come up with our own new slogan for Air Florida- “Who gives a f**k?” Then in July, I had a flight (can’t remember where), with a classmate from my training class (Cathy something) and, after that flight, I came home as usual. The next day, Air Florida declared bankruptcy and I never flew, as a flight attendant, again. The only thing I do remember about my flight is that I had breakfast at a Bob’s Big Boy. But, the point is, had I known it was going to be my LAST FLIGHT I would’ve savored every moment of it- the demanding passengers, the crying babies, even that smell of the airplane when you walked onto an empty plane. And had I known that the last time I saw my neighbor Bernie in December, was going to be the last time I would see him ever, I would’ve said something better than “Hey” in passing him on the street we shared, as he walked his little dog Lizzie. Regrets, I have a few.

So that’s why, last week I decided to mark some occasions and not let them slip away unnoticed in this incredibly strange year of 2020. Kate and Tug, my niece and her husband, decided to move back to Portland, Oregon after a year in Miami with their adorable baby Lou, and two dogs Kobe and Wagyu. They’d had a hard time adjusting to Miami, with Kate working at a fellowship at Jackson Hospital and Tug, working remotely from home for his employer in Boston. Then, COVID hit. Tug got offered a better job, with more money that will pay for him to go back to school and Kate got offered another Fellowship by her old boss at her old hospital in Portland. They put their house in the Gables on the market. It sold in one day, with five back-up offers and, that was that.

“Will you ask us over for dinner parties?” Kate asked me when they moved to Miami, last summer.

“Of course!” I said.

And we did have them over right after they moved. But, since COVID, I haven’t seen Kate, since she was being very cautious and worked at a hospital. I asked them over for a final dinner last Wednesday before they left for Portland. She suggested Surf and Turf- the same thing I’d served the last time- because she likes Turf and Tug likes Surf. Dinner was some Grilled Garlic Shrimp (Martha Stewart) with Grilled Hanger Steak (Zeke Guilford), Ina’s Make Ahead Goat Cheese Mashed Potatoes and Roasted Brussel Sprouts (Ina). Appetizers were simple- sliced cucumbers, salami and Cheese Crackers (The Splendid Table) and dessert was homemade ice cream with biscotti (The Last Course). Dinner was precisely from 5 to 7, to fit in Lou’s schedule (who was a perfect baby, but started yawning towards the end) and then, just as suddenly as they came, Tug and Kate were gone.

Thursday marked the return to UM Football and Zeke and I went over to Justin’s Brickell apartment with A.J. and Justin’s family to watch the game and eat tacos. The appetizers were wiped out before I arrived. I brought fresh salsa and black beans (which no one seemed to eat), but the Lobster Tacos were excellent. I also brought my own Margarita, a version of one I’d had at at Agave, a Mexican restaurant in Delaware, which featured Ancho Chile Bitters. I was excited to see Wyatt’s room, where he’s been living the last six months since the Pandemic hit, and it was nice reconnecting with Justin’s family. We left at halftime. U.M. won.

Friday night we celebrated the last hurrah of Summer (Fall starts the 22nd!) by having Emma and her boyfriend Gui over for “Camp” with Wyatt. She misses Wyatt, since he no longer lives here and neither does Emma, who moved to her own apartment earlier this summer. Wyatt swam, we played Water Balloon Toss (which didn’t really work because the balloons seemed unbreakable) and then we ate a Summery Dinner of Grilled Cheeseburger Sliders, Corn off the cob, Baked Beans, Pasta Salad (Ina) and slices of chilled watermelon. Dessert was S’mores, with marshmallows toasted in the fireplace.

We then told Spooky (G-rated-stories) in the living room and played with some light-up rockets Emma had gotten for Wyatt outside, in the front yard. Emma and Guillermo left, exhausted. I’d mentioned to Wyatt that we might sleep in a tent outside for Camp, but luckily he forgot about that (it was SO hot!). I gave him a bath and put him to bed, in the delicious Air Conditioning.

Saturday, we had Martha and Luis over for Duck Breasts she’d ordered for D’ Artagnan. She also brought a bottle of champagne and I served Fresh Figs stuffed with a gorgonzola cheese and topped with crispy prosciutto for hors d’oevres. I served Mashed Potatoes and Roasted Asparagus (Joy of Cooking) with the Duck a l’orange (Martha Stewart), which Zeke scored, then seared in the cast iron skillet. I also made a Watercress and Arugula Salad with toasted almonds, dried cranberries and a honey lime vinaigrette, to add a bit of brightness and acidity to the meal. Dessert was homemade ice cream, this one a delicious Sweet Corn Ice Cream, with a Blackberry compote and a crunchy Rose Water Meringue (all The Last Course.)

I’m glad I celebrated all these events last week. It takes effort, but it’s worth it and I want to live with less regrets and more gusto. And the next time I go to a funeral, I will do so with gratitude that I’m able to properly say goodbye to a loved one, the next time I attend a graduation, I will stand up and clap the loudest and longest and, when I attend Lindsay’s wedding next summer in Massachusetts, I will have my dancing shoes on and dance like there’s no tomorrow, because there may not be.

Like Robin Williams (as John Keating) in Dead Poet’s Society said:

“We are food for worms, lads. Carpe Diem! Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.”

John Keating

In other words, give a f**k. Drag out the good china, polish the silver, clean the crystal, make special meals for people you love, celebrate the big things and the small things. Even in a time of COVID, this is possible.

Up Next: My favorite Grilled Shrimp Recipe.

I asked my friend Martha, who is a social Cuban butterfly, how she was holding up in the pandemic.

“Oh, I change from one mumu to another every day,” she said.

She really misses having dinner parties, socializing, going shopping and out to lunch.

Martha is kind of famous for her mumus, which are not actually mumus, but Mexican embroidered, cotton dresses. If she invites us to dinner and says “I’m in my mumu,” we know she’ll greet us barefoot and dinner will be a casual affair, around the kitchen table.

When I mentioned getting a mumu like Martha’s to Zeke a while ago, he was firmly against it. He thought it would be an indication I’d given up on life. Now, however, I asked how he would feel if I ordered a Mexican mumu and he said “At least I’ll know you’ve changed out of your pajamas.”

Because, even though last week I actually changed out of yoga clothes into dresses a couple times, this week I regressed, staying in my pajamas for more than the morning. It’s interesting to see how people are dressing during the stay-at-home coronavirus scare.

Chrissy Teigen said on Ellen, she’s in her element because she likes to lounge around in robes during normal circumstances. She has a wide variety of robes, acquired from all over, from vintage, to sexy and flirty; Stay at Home orders are the perfect opportunity to showcase them. The Pioneer Woman, who I watched yesterday, wore a kimono over a black top. I like kimonos, but certainly don’t think they’re the most practical thing to cook in, given the drapey sleeves. I can just see one landing in my pancake batter or being set aflame from the stove.

And some women are apparently going braless during this time of social isolation. This was actually an article in The Miami Herald last week. That is how desperate the situation is getting. The only news in the paper is coronavirus-related, even fashion wise (or lack thereof).

There was a segment on CBS Sunday Morning about a woman who went through her closet, trying on clothes that reminded her of happy occasions. She then took selfies and posted them to Instagram. She said it made her feel so much better about life. This sounds like the worst kind of torture to me. I HATE trying on clothes, even ones that remind me of happy occasions. And I’m sure a lot of them wouldn’t even fit me right now.

And there’s also the pillowcase challenge, where people are strapping a pillow to themselves with a belt, and taking selfies. Halle Berry rocked this look, looking like an Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffanys diva, but she could look good wearing a paper bag. I’m not jumping on this craze anytime soon; Lately, I just need a small pillow to scream into on occasion.

Every Day is a Bad hair Day

Everyone seems concerned with their hair these days, and what to do about it. I have a friend who had her hairstylist come to her house and color and cut her hair and also, the rest of the family. My friend Ellen attempting to cut what she calls her “tri-color” hair. She confessed it turned out lopsided. Our friend Sherida said she cut her own bangs and her boyfriend’s hair, but this is something she did before the pandemic. So, if you have those skills, go for it but I will not attempt to cut my own hair, nor any of my loved ones. For this, they should be thankful.

My hair is getting darker by the day, so I broke down and ordered a tip kit on Amazon, although It hasn’t come yet. I haven’t been a natural blonde since I was about 15, but when my hair gets dark I just don’t feel like myself. Luckily (I think) some of my hair is growing in grey so it doesn’t look as dark as usual. Come to think of it, my hair is tri-colored too with: my natural (dark) roots, highlighted ends and encroaching grey strands at the temples.

In the last six weeks, I’ve given myself two mani-pedis and endless facial masks. My nails never turn out as good when I do it myself (they always get messed up) and of course, I don’t have a massage chair, which is the best part of getting a mani-pedi. I have a friend who has her Nail Lady come to her house and I’m thinking that my friends who have Hairstylist/Nail Techs/Masseuses come to their house are on to something. Import your staff and be an island unto yourself.

I’m hoping my housekeeper will consider coming back soon. While the girls originally, in optimistic first days of the outbreak, were pretty good about picking up after themselves in the kitchen, these days there are countless cookie sheets, dishes, glasses and silverware collecting on the counter and in the sink. I finally left a note informing them to clean after themselves and that “Isa is not here.”

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…

Emma was supposed to graduate from F.S.U. last Saturday. They did a Virtual Graduation at 2 p.m., but did not call individual names, as there were too many students. What normally stretches over two days, with two ceremonies a day, was condensed into one ceremony. I’m not sure who would want to watch a Virtual Graduation, especially without hearing the student’s name being called. The commencement addresses are usually something you suffer through to see your child cross the stage and grab their hard-earned (and expensive) diploma. Watching the ceremony, without that payoff in the end, seems pointless.

We did have a graduation dinner for Emma on Wednesday. She wanted stone crabs and, as luck would have it, my brother-in-law called to see if we wanted some Sunday. The only catch was, they were selling them in 10 pound portions, so we took 10 pounds and made three meals and a dip with them. Commercial fisherman who used to sell their stone crabs to hotels and restaurants have been left with a lot of inventory and no one to buy it. Stone Crab season ends May 15th.

The graduation dinner consisted of: cracked stone crabs with mustard sauce and butter, Joe’s tomatoes, Cole slaw, hash browns and pecan pie for dessert (Emma’s request). Zeke also made his famous tuna nachos as an appetizer to go with the celebratory champagne.

Since I had so many stone crabs, I made Crab Toast on Tuesday, a NYT recipe from Gabrielle Hamilton, chef and owner of Prune. It was delicious (even though I messed up the recipe). I served it with asparagus soup, topped with crispy prosciutto, making a perfect Spring meal. My favorite meal all week was a Stone Crab Roll I came up with, since I had leftover stone crab meat and a mayo, butter sauce. I served it on a butter-toasted hamburger bun (I had no hot dog buns) with shredded lettuce and a thin slice of beefsteak tomato. It was heavenly. The buttery crunch of the bread with the creamy, succulent crab meat, fresh snap of the lettuce and sweetness of the tomato, made it a memorable sandwich.

Zeke cooked on Sunday. I made a super easy 2-ingredient dip with chipotle in adobo and cashews; I served it with pita chips, cooked in the oven, for an appetizer. We sipped wine as Zeke grilled steaks on his charcoal grill. He made a delicious, perfectly cooked steak, with Gorgonzola cheese, a shallot, balsamic vinegar sauce, baked potatoes, salad and a baguette. Dessert was ice cream with a caramel fig sauce and a pita chip garnish.

Since I ordered seven heads of garlic on mistake, I made Chicken with Forty Cloves of Garlic for Monday’s meal, a delicious James Beard recipe. I served it with mashed potatoes, Brussel Sprouts and, of course, hot crusty bread to dip into the jus and spread the roasted garlic on. A tip: Farm Stores sells delicious freshly baked bread and it will save you a trip to the germy grocery store.

Start me Up…

I was very excited when I picked up some sourdough starter from a friend’s house, but when I asked for instructions on what to do with it, she told me to “Feed it three days every 12 hours, then once a week. Feed it an hour before you use it.” I wasn’t sure if I had sourdough starter on my hands or a demanding tamagotchi. I haven’t made any bread with it yet, but it’s on my list of future projects.

Probably the most exciting news this week is our tenants in our Key Largo condo finally left Friday, clearing the decks for us to reclaim “our little slice of Paradise”. Joy turned to dismay when we discovered several treasured items that their dog destroyed. There was also dog hair all over the couch and easy chair, which sent Zeke into a sneezing fit. I don’t think we’ll ever rent again. Lesson learned.

People in the Keys (and only Key’s residents can be down here now) don’t seem as vigilant about following rules for the coronavirus as in Miami. Publix on Saturday was packed with people, many without masks and not following the arrows indicating direction down the aisles. The cashiers and bag boys, did have masks, however. People walking down the street, for the most part, aren’t wearing masks.

“Maybe because there are so few cases?” I speculated to my sister Kelley, who’s been stuck at home by herself since this whole thing started.

“Or maybe because it’s the Keys, and people in the Keys don’t like to follow rules,” she said.

Zeke ordered me a cute face covering from the Florida Keys Brewing Company, one of our favored establishments. You wear it around your neck when not in use, then pull it up over mouth and nose when needed. It’s pretty neat. I have to admit, I’ve had a hard time with this mask thing. My sister Kelley gave me a mask she made, but it was a little large and gaped at my chin. I made my own mask with a bandana, but it’s so thick it practically suffocates me when I use it. My latest option, seems the best, although I discovered it doesn’t work with ponytails.

After unpacking stuff we brought down, having to call a locksmith to get into our owner’s closet (I packed the key IN the owner’s closet) and unpacking the boxes from the owner’s closet, we were too tired to cook so ordered Thai food from The Key Thai and Sushi. We got Spring Rolls, a Spicy Tuna Roll, Drunken Noodles and Red Curry with Pork and Rice. With a nice glass of Josh Sauvignon Blanc, it really hit the spot. I love The Key Thai and Sushi restaurant, located in a strip mall near a Dollar Store, and it’s a stone’s throw from our condo, making it super convenient.

Saturday night was Surf ‘N Turf, with grilled shrimp, coffee-rubbed filet mignons, a delicious Caesar salad, baked potatoes and mushrooms cooked with red wine. We used bamboo skewers, soaked in water, to grill the shrimp and we used two, so the shrimp didn’t curl up. Quite yummy and then we went down to the Chickee Hut (which Wyatt used to call the chicken hut) to have a glass of wine and watch the sunset with fellow condo owners. Again, no one had masks on.

Zeke’s returned to Miami, since the girls accused us of bailing on them and he has work. He will now be the chief cook and bottle washer at home, while I relax in my little slice of paradise. “Alone, alone, alone!” as Dorothy told Jerry McGuire. And some restaurants in the Keys are opening for business, starting today. So that first restaurant meal I dreamed of, on the water, with a seafood dinner and the perfect margarita, may be eaten by myself.

Up Next: Easy Cinco de Mayo Meal with the Perfect Margarita, How to Grocery Shop Safely and What to do with Ten Pounds of Stone Crabs.